Jeff Fager

Awwww, look at the cute little feelings

madamx717@yahoo.com — Mon, 11 Aug 2003 18:40:07 GMT

"Everythings fucked up, life sucks" --
Does that sound like a good way to get through life?

If thats what you spend your time thinking about thats the way its gonna stay. Thats how it got there. Maybe cause if you dont realize the value of your mind youll lose mind of the values. Your feelings, did they ever help you out or do anything for you. Do you know what your feelings are, not happiness or sadness but the mechanics, what they reall ARE. Your pace, the dilation in your eyes, wierd signals to your nerves. Your nerves damnit, you know what controls those? Maybe if you used that youd be a little more in control. If your not tryin to make it the way you want it now it never will be. You cant live by feelings. You probably wont even want you wish for if you ever get it. Its not like that. Of course theres a way in my mind for everything that would make it amazing, but theres 6 billion people and nobodys got the same view you do. The only thing weve got in common is the world. Yeah its alright to try and make it your way a little bit. And Yeah its nice to help other people out and let them get somethin there way. Look at this S . Are you happy, are you sad, are you angry with someone, has your heart been broken. It doesnt matter, thats still an S. If its a problem its always gonna be a problem. If it works and its good for you maybe you should keep on with it, try and make it better or it make somethin better for it. Im not sayin its not OK to have feelings cause I know everyone does.

Do you need the feeling, no. You need IT. The source. Can you just make your anger go away, no. You need to reconcile.

I hope that got to you. If it didnt i could go on for you. Oh, its alright? ok cool.

life doesnt come from feelings, feelings come from life. ok im done.

damn hell ass kings

madamx717@yahoo.com — Fri, 26 Jul 2002 21:37:12 GMT

If i hadnt made me i would have been made somehow if i hadnt assembled myself id of fallen apart by now

yay

madamx717@yahoo.com — Sun, 10 Mar 2002 06:12:43 GMT

All you mother fuckers are gonna pay. When I get there Im gonna make you eat my shit, then shit out my shit. And then eat your shit which is really my shit that i made you eat.

yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay. you either know why im happy, you will, or i dont give a fuck. Wait your all gonna know. how about that.

I suppose i could be less blunt and make a jon style journal entry or somethin. But fuck it. I got ashley back. Thats all there is to it. Im happy. you should be happy for me. or if you dan youll get more emo. Whateva.

2 songs i didnt write

madamx717@yahoo.com — Wed, 06 Mar 2002 03:17:14 GMT

I think of a while ago,
we might have had it all,
i was so stupid then,
you needed time to grow,
but now just as things change,
as well my feelings do,
in times things rearrange,
i am so sick of chasing you,
but what do i get,
cause i just seem to lose
you make me regret those times i spent with you,
and playing those games as i wait for your call,
now i give up so goodbye and so long.
its not a change of pace, this time ill get right
its not a change of taste, i was the one there last night,
you have your other freinds, they were there when you cried,
didnt mean to hurt you then, best freinds just wont leave your side,
And i needed you most when i needed a freind,
you let me down now like i let you down then.
s-sorry its over.

I didnt mean to decieve you, believe me,
but sometimes the hardest part, is concieving.
the good intentions that you had. now only came to this,
and although she saw the mark. the arrow missed.
it isnt exciting reciting the storys of kind words turned hurting when routine gets boring...
the start was something good but some good things must end.
It could never survive with such different lives
we may never come back,strike up a match
the candles burning at both ends.
and now she knows to much and im to fucked up, Its awkward tryin to make my move,
ill pretend that im fine, show up right on time, but ill never be that cool,
i never wanted to hold you back, i just wanted to hold on,
but now my chance is gone,
i know just where i stand, a boy trapped in the body of a man, and ill take what you really should give and ill teach myself to live with the backround shot of a movie im not in.
shes so important, and im so retarted, and now i realize, i should have kissed you anyway, but i drove home all alone as if i had a choice anyway,
where are you comin from, what are you runnin from, is it so hard to see, and if your feeling scared, remember the time we shared, you know that it meant everything to me, you know that it meant everything to me.

madamx717@yahoo.com — Wed, 06 Mar 2002 02:12:05 GMT

BrOdYmEiStEr94: im jay and your silent bob
BrOdYmEiStEr94: you wanna make movies and have a relationship
BrOdYmEiStEr94: i wanna smoke weed
BrOdYmEiStEr94: and talk dirty to anyone i want
DAnMAnGrEen: lol
DAnMAnGrEen: sweet
DAnMAnGrEen: yeah you talk stupid all the time
DAnMAnGrEen: and then i come bustin out eith somthing ggreat
DAnMAnGrEen: :-D
BrOdYmEiStEr94: baby baby ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat
DAnMAnGrEen: ::smack::
BrOdYmEiStEr94: my ass baby
BrOdYmEiStEr94: smack my ass hard
DAnMAnGrEen: ::eye roll::
DAnMAnGrEen: ::points at the shower::
BrOdYmEiStEr94: why the shower
DAnMAnGrEen: ::points to you, then to the shower::
BrOdYmEiStEr94: SO like you wanna take me in the shower
DAnMAnGrEen: ::shakes head::
DAnMAnGrEen: ::points at you::
DAnMAnGrEen: ::waves hand in front of nose with a nasty look on his face::
BrOdYmEiStEr94: what do i need to wash my mouth
DAnMAnGrEen: ::motions over his whole body, points at you::
BrOdYmEiStEr94: I need a whole shower
DAnMAnGrEen: yeah
DAnMAnGrEen: you fucking numbskull
DAnMAnGrEen: jeesus your a fucking moron
DAnMAnGrEen: (lol)
DAnMAnGrEen: thats like 8 fucking minutes of me explaining myself to you and you dont fucking get it you fucking dipshit
DAnMAnGrEen: and go take a shjower you smell like shit
DAnMAnGrEen: anywyas
DAnMAnGrEen: ::motions a silence from hence forth::

CASTAWAY

madamx717@yahoo.com — Wed, 06 Mar 2002 01:47:50 GMT

Im on a sentimental journey into sight and sound. Of no returnin, no lookin back or down. a conscientous objective to the war thats in my mind, Im leavin in a lurch,im takin back whats mine, im on a mission into destination unknown, An expedition into destination alon. where im a castaway. goin at it alon. castaway, now im on my own. lost and found, trouble bound, now im on my own. Spontaneous combustion on the corners of my mind.

Im sick of always being the feelingless Asshole. If i didnt have feelings i wouldnt feel like doint it. I hate it how its always my fault whenever i do somethin. Too many people Think im worth more than nothing. Im just a fucking person. What can be so fucking special about me that its a life ruining experience to lose me as a freind or a boyfreind. Why? why the fuck cant it ever go my way. Why cant My intentions ever be good. How come nobody can possibly not understand me. Cant there be some way for people to know why i do things. Even if there was nobody would understand it. Its like an undiscovered form of reasoning. Its taking a chance.

I fuckin hate everyone. I wish i lived in a box. Im gonna live in a cardboard box with like tin foil and hangers all over it. And ill drink a lot of coffee and do a lot of drugs and drink a lot. And then ill shoot anybody who comes near.

How come i fuckin pussy out on the phone. How come i cant say whats on my mind. How come its so hard to verbally express myself when i can do it so damn well in writing.

And im not fuckin conceited. fuck. Everybody sais im fuckin conceited but its really a reprocussion(totally spelled that wrong)of always being the lower kid and trying to live up. And i still try and do it even though i spend time with people now that it seems concieted to. But whatever.

Alright let me fill you in on all that and why i felt like sayin that.

>>I guess i was kind of trying to show ashley how serious i really am about all the shit that i complain about and stuff. Even though she never seemed to do a thing about it.

>>So she doesnt know that i was jokin but she probably had somebody tell her. And then we got to talking about it and i say how serious i really was. Then she gets all sad and mad and thats not how its supposed to be. So im like im not gonna dump you cause your gonna get all sad and shit even though she already was. And then she was like fine, your dumped is that good enough, are you happy? Now its not that im necesarily happy. I guess im a lil relieved. But sometimes i doubt that ashley is really the right girl for me. I dont want an i love you oh were gonna grow up and buy a house relationship. And she does. So what do i do? I try and play it cool and pretty soon the only response i have to anything is ok. And i cant say anything cause she would just tell me to shutup. And i guess what i thought i could get i couldnt. i thought goin out with ashley would be like awesome. And shed go along with all the stupid shit. But obviously not. and if i cant be me then i cant handle it.

>>then she wants to call me and talk about it. What the fuck am i supposed to do, im not a phone talker. And plus i didnt really have anything more to say. She didnt understand what i had to say anyway. I care about her and i want her to be happy even its not with me. But i just couldnt take it.

fun fact:jeff is a person just like everyone else. He has feelings. just cause there different or less previlent doesnt mean there not there.

another fun fact:jeff doesnt talk a lot when hes depressed. hes depressed. he just babbles on his journal.

One more: Jeff realizes you probably havent read this far and thus decides to stop writing. Few people will read all of this.

HELP

madamx717@yahoo.com — Thu, 28 Feb 2002 03:08:06 GMT

If anybody knows if there is a way how to change your name thingy on your journal id gladly appreciat if you filled me in cause i wanna change mine.

What the fuck?

madamx717@yahoo.com — Thu, 28 Feb 2002 02:19:11 GMT

Fuck. Today i bought mother fuckin jay and silent bob strike back. A fuckin film for everyone. THats hows come all the cursin and illiteracy. I hate it when i really dont have anything to say in my journal.

"in this world gone mad we wont spank the monkey the monkey will spank us"

Jay and silent bob brings this feeling back that i just havent felt for a while. Its called viewaskiewitis in my book. Soon after watching a view askew you as youve done a thousand times adopt the characteristics and words of your favorite characters and continue on and on unwillingly like a little view askew puppet. A product of kevin smiths intellectual masterpieces. But nobody but the few know what the hell your talkin about. To some your just a big fan of the formerly underground view askew society, to some your a complete idiot, To some your inspiration. Whatever the fuck you are. Go be it. And be it well. Cause if you deny your right to act like a complete view askew junkie you miss out on more than the obvious. Dont let it not happen to you.

"I think i just filled the cup"

SNOOGANS

Yay

madamx717@yahoo.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2002 03:30:46 GMT

Today has been and incredibly good day minus the fact that i couldnt go to ashleys. But ive got the rest of my life if my feelings stay the way they are. First i was sore all day and i couldnt really move and i didnt get any sleep and i had a couple minor fights with ashley. You ask. How was your day good if all that happened? I tell you. Because theres finally one thing that i have completely off my back with no regret or no feeling of obligation or anything what so ever of the sort. Ashton. Her journal entry specifically said stay the fuck away from me along with a couple fuck yous and a i hope you burn in hell. Well that relieves everything. Its like a bug or a virus or somethin like that. you can take medecine. You can kind of make it go away by thinking of somethin else. But finally it leaves. It just goes away. Maybe youll get the same thing next year or maybe somethin similiar. But your glad as hell when you know its gone. I dont care if shes a girl and most girls say things they dont mean. Im not saying she did, in fact thats the last thing i wanna think of it. But she said. Now theres no way she can get mad at me or make any more assholish journal entries about me and how i treat her like shit. But as far as i go is to say that if i treated her like shit then contrary to what she would say i treat myself like a dead squirrel in the middle of the road. But thats ok cause its all over.

But seriously folks. What are you gonna do with an empty glass. you gotta fill it somehow.

madamx717@yahoo.com — Fri, 22 Feb 2002 02:51:45 GMT

Why are you still alive
i wish you would all die
in a frying pan you will fry
if it was up to me youd all be dead
id burn off your fucking head
id chop your body into lil peices
and had them out on leases
id rape your freinds
in ghettos dead ends
your all gonna die
from all the gettin high
your brains will explode
first one to go is chode
this poem is really sad
only cause im really mad
im mad at you im mad at me
dont be suprised if i charge a fee

just a little somethin to get the anger out. not all of you have to die

BoReD

madamx717@yahoo.com — Tue, 19 Feb 2002 03:41:01 GMT

-lately ive been really calm and collective
-im happier than ever
-i start to realize that maybe i need to try harder
-everyday the good things get better and the bad things get worse
-i get up everyday and just let it run its course
-im kind of just prepared for whatever comes my way
-i have to make huge decisions
-im soaked in the juices of love(so is ashley{literally})
-i dont really get bored
-i sleep a lot
-i dont really like to follow directions
-i want to do somethin fun
-maybe if i actually attempted to do something fun i could
-i dont eat as much as i used to
-im not the same person i was before i had ashley
-i feel like a little kid
-i dream a lot more than i used to
-i really want ashley to be here
-i dont masturbate nearly as much
-i have this completely different outlook
-My freinds arent the same anymore
-i have to make to many decisions
-i dont hardly ever write in my journal
-jon does though(alot)
-i feel like im missin out
-i feel like ive got something most people dont
-i just want to stop for a second, i want to stop time and take a while to find out where im at and then make decisions based on that
-im not really sure about my religion but my philosophy assures me of it
-other poeple have a new way of reacting to me
-my grades are a little better than they were
-my parents are really getting on my nerves but i just do what they tell me to and thats about it
-i think im gonna go take a shower and go to bed now

Yay

madamx717@yahoo.com — Sat, 16 Feb 2002 21:38:17 GMT

"Todays my day.I brought a lunch and a soda and im not leavin till i see the god damn sail boat everyones been talkin about"

"You know what you need is a fatty boombatty blunt and i guarantee youll see sail boat and maybe even some of those big tittied mermaids doin some of that lesbian shit."

Todays gonna rawk. I got a new shirt for vice versa.Me, ashley, karl, and donny are all goin to hooters. My mom ironed my clothes cause she said hooter girls like pressed clothes. Then me and karl will venture to donnys house for a wonderful night of laughter. Tomorrow well probably ride his four wheeler and shit. Its gonna be awesome. Who knows what well indulge ourselves in. Of course the beating will probably continue. That sucks. But it will be fun and weed free. I also got a mallrats poster. Its big and it costed twenty dollars. But its because it was like a collecters item and plus my mom paid for it. I got deodorant. not that i didnt have it before. Yeah donnie was supposed to be here at like 3 and its like almost four. But whateva. Ill see all you fuckahs lata.

Whoa baby

madamx717@yahoo.com — Thu, 14 Feb 2002 05:01:44 GMT

Ive decided i am no longer a person. I am and essence, a feeling, a way of life. I am no longer a smartass, A jerk, or a guide. I am not really there. I am part of your mind. I am as easily erasable as the pencil on your paper. Yet i can appear as quickly as light. I cannot die. I wasnt born. I was created by the minds of people. I am peoples thoughts gathered in a living breathing bean. I am not a robot. I can appear to be as dumb as a weasel cought in a potato chip bag or as smart as a computer program. Time is nothing to me. The air and space and objects are unnafecting. I am everything you want. I am everything you hate. Im lovable. I can control you. I can become defenseless and be under your control. Ill complain about everything yet nothing will bother me. I am this. I am that. I will bid farewell but i wont leave.

madamx717@yahoo.com — Thu, 14 Feb 2002 01:00:04 GMT

I can delete entries and i can change my passwords. I shall proceed with the preceeded.

Youdahoe

madamx717@yahoo.com — Thu, 14 Feb 2002 00:54:58 GMT

Youdahoe. THats my password. I dont care. Ive used the same password for everything since i was like 10 years old. I dont give a fuck. If i needed a password that was meant to keep people out id use somethin else and not tell you. If i put it on the internet i obviously dont care if people see it. And no ashton your not a hacker. Except for into my life. But thats not really hacking. So go ahead and have fun with all my shizz. Cya later.

Im dying

madamx717@yahoo.com — Wed, 13 Feb 2002 03:47:43 GMT

physical-Im dying. Im hotter than a volcano and im only getting hotter. My insides wanna burst out and my throat wants to cough itself out of my neck. My head is a balloon and legs are bunjee cords.
Mental-Im happy. Im jumpin around and feeling great. Im goin for everything i want to be goin for. Nothing bothers me. My thoughts are a lot of mumbo jumbo but there always that way. My creativity though is shot cause all i can think about is how sick i am. Fuck it.

Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.
Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.
Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.Im dying. HELP.

totally pooped out

madamx717@yahoo.com — Sat, 09 Feb 2002 05:56:50 GMT

I did so much shit tonight. Dude i fuckin went skatin for like two hours behing kroger and shit with pat and griffin. And i got way better cause i was tryin really hard and shit. then i went to chuck e cheeses with ashley and alyssa and shimere. that didnt last very long cause we ended up walkin to the mall. I got like 8 tech decks. And then we were gonna go to circuit city cause i wanna get those headphones that light up and stuff but they were closed so ashleys mom came and got us at burger king. I think my night could of used some alone time with ashley. but theres plenty of time for that. I was all sore and stuff from skating and i kept almost gettin hit by cars cause i wouldnt wait and i wouldnt speed up. Alright. Thats about it. Im gonna go play with toys like a five year old.

NO sex.

madamx717@yahoo.com — Fri, 08 Feb 2002 03:39:06 GMT

I would like to clarify the last journal entry by saying we did not have sex. we literally slept together. Although i do smell like lemon juice and there was a lot of moisture between her legs.Now that i have let you all very far into my personal lives i bid you adieu.

Sleeping

madamx717@yahoo.com — Fri, 08 Feb 2002 03:35:26 GMT

Me and ashley slept together.

Sleeping

madamx717@yahoo.com — Fri, 08 Feb 2002 03:35:23 GMT

Me and ashley slept together.

Cold=bad

madamx717@yahoo.com — Mon, 04 Feb 2002 22:47:31 GMT

I hate the cold. It sucks cause i went out to skate and it like fifteen minutes my lungs felt like i hadnt breathed in like an hour and I was all worn out and shit. I want it to be hot. I wanna move to like california or some shit. Plus in california like everybody skates. And peoria sucks along with the rest of the midwest. Why would anyone choose to live here. How dumb can you be. I havent made an entry in a while cause 1) i dont have time and 2) i dont have anything to talk about. But i guess i do now. Oh wait. I guess not. I already said it. yeah thats it. check you lata homeboy.

wrong idea

madamx717@yahoo.com — Wed, 30 Jan 2002 03:44:44 GMT

People have left comments on my last journal such as if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me or whatever. and im suicidal but im not suicidal anymore and i dont necisarily need someone to talk to but i might take the offer up sometime. I dont have problem with it i just wanted to make it clear that i AM NOT suicidal anymore.

snoogans

madamx717@yahoo.com — Wed, 30 Jan 2002 01:28:55 GMT

Today was not my day. Im so bipolar but nobody cares about me. Especially not the people who should the most. My eyes hurt really bad and i have no idea why. I think i have glacoma. oh no.
Yeah school was ok. We got our seating arrangement in biology and by not caring i ended up by ashton. And then in algebra I made a list of everyone ashtons done anything with including special markings designating what and when and breif descriptions. Like this *jeff+. Astirics is before highschool and plus is head. I wont share the number of people or anything else like that. Ashley got me in trouble at lunch cause she sat on my lap and Mr. pohls got mad and said she needs to sit in a seat. And then in speech she was cold and i was hot so i gave her my shirt. And then i came home. I played ddr and then i played some more games and then i skated and then my mom said we were goin out to eat. I was like i wanna go over to ashleys. And she was like you cant do anything on the weekends anyway. I said yes i can and wouldnt let her say anything else. I wish i could just be honest and say whats on my mind and do what i should. But i cant do it to my parents. I want to leave. I want to tell my dad how much i dont care about school and if hes not satisfied with my grades ill be happy to have him disown me. The only reason i havent left a few times is cause i have no wear where i can be sure of my own security. Ive never told anyone this but here it goes. I know some people think its wierd that im angered by depressed kids and suicidal kids. Its because they always wanna talk about it and have people help them. At least about fifty percent of them. When i was growin up i was the most depressed suicidal kid ever. I ran away a lot. And when i was in like 5-7 grades i probably attempted suicide at least fifty times. Id walk out in my kitchen grab a big knife. Hold it up to my throat and fall on it. But i could never do it. I always moved the knife before i hit the ground. Ive had razorblades and knifes up to my wrists but i always wanted to die quick. I wanna run away now but im smarter and i dont wanna run away and be gone for an hour i wanna leave forever. Not life my home. My parents say the dumbest things. They get in arguments with me. I win. And then an hour later they act like its all ok and forget that we had the argument. But they also forget that i was right and i should be able to do what i want to. Ive always hated my parents. But i wouldnt admit and i tried not to act like it cause i had to live with them. Dont worry kids im not gonna commit suicide and i wont leave without a trace. I probably wont leave at all. The only place i would wanna go is ashleys but i cant cause her parents wouldnt let me. i cant go to elis cause his parents wouldnt let me plus i hate his brother and you can see his house from here. anyway im gonna go now and do somethin else. DDR or somethin. My moms on the phone right now so i cant call ashley yet but i will. Im so crazy. Dont leave any ohh im so sorry you were depressed and suicidal comments cause i dont care if your sorry cause its not your fault. The only people that ill allow to appologize for it is my parents but there to arrogant to.

DDR

madamx717@yahoo.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2002 03:20:15 GMT

Today was fuckin awesome. I played ddr until the sun went down and then more and more. Its so awesome. Im such a loser. Im really happy today. Im talkin to eli and his ashley in a chat room. Im so hyper. Im gay. I retract that statement. Snigga wagga dada. Instead the seemingly reappearing f u id like to give a big i love you to everyone. Except you.

madamx717@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 Jan 2002 03:49:52 GMT